Unhand Me!

I’m not sure which recent news item boggles my mind more—the fact that that one in seven Americans now are living below the poverty line or last week’s evidence that enough people care what Sarah Palin thinks to vote for the loons she endorses for political office. I would suspect the two things are related—desperate people do crazy things—except that the Tea Partiers tend to be impoverished mainly in empathy and reasoning. From what I can gather, their primary money problem is that the Muslim socialist in the White House wants them to share their ducats for the common good, through outlandish schemes such as affordable health care for all.

The big local story last week was the defeat in the Democratic primary of Washington, DC Mayor Adrian Fenty, whose debatable success at improving city services and an abysmal school system was trumped by his unarguable brilliance at being an arrogant prick. So, goodbye Fenty and, it seems certain, his distaff twin in bedside manner, schools chief Michelle Rhee. Hello, incoming mayor Vince Gray, the weird-haired city council chair who’s about 30 years older, perhaps no wiser, but about 95% more amiable than the man he’s replacing.

But, enough of all that. Any idiot with a blog feels compelled to pontificate about the Major Issues of the Day, and I’m no less an idiot than anyone else with an electronic soapbox, so now I’ve duly weighed in. But what I’d really like to write about today is urinal etiquette.

I spotted this headline recently in the Baltimore Sun: “‘Hand-Washing Police’ Find More of Us Are Washing Up After Bathroom Use; Men Still Dirtier.” These were my initial thoughts:
· Law enforcement certainly is specializing these days!
· Really? and,
· Duh!”

What I mean is, I wondered, respectively, if:
· The NYPD now has an affirmative action program for applicants with OCD,
· The words “more of us are washing up” are supposed to jibe with the parade of guys I see walking directly from whiz basin to hot dog stand at any given sports stadium, and
· That headline writer seriously thought we needed to be told that men are grosser than women.

Anyway, this was how the article written by an Associated Press “medical writer,” started:

Researchers who secretly spy on people using public restrooms say that Americans seem to be washing their hands more often.

Checks during August in Chicago, Atlanta, New York and San Francisco found 85 percent of people washed their hands, up from only 77 percent in 2007.

It’s the best rate since these periodic surveys began in 1996.

One thing hasn’t changed. Men are still dirtier. About 23 percent of men failed to wash up, compared to only 7 percent of women.

First of all, where does one apply for such “research” spying? Who leads these studies—George Michael? Second of all, so, it’s really about a quarter of men who are exiting the loo with urine (or, um, worse) on their hands? Now, those are the guys I know.

What is it about men that makes them think it’s OK to whip out, zip up and walk away? I mean, full disclosure here, I don’t spend a fortnight at the sink vigorously soaping and rubbing together my hands (hand and stump), the way health officials advise. But I do think it’s important to at least wash off the basic residue of one’s bathroom visit and to be in position to assure any subsequent new acquaintance, upon shaking his or her hand, “‘That? Just water.”

Some subsequent Web searching netted further details about “the latest observational study sponsored by the American Society for Microbiology” (George Michael, chairman) “and the American Cleaning Institute” (that guy who spied on Erin Andrews, president). Not surprisingly, a lying 96% of adults contacted for a separate telephone survey said they always washing their hands in public restrooms. (The other 4% conceded, “OK, it’s not water.”)

And then I came upon this supremely unsurprising tidbit: The Atlanta site where the “researchers” had amused themselves watching fellas shake their weiners dry was Turner Field, and it was that venue that “by far fielded the worst percentage for the guys—barely two-thirds (65%)” washed their hands at the ballpark after going to the bathroom. Aha!

So, what can we cull from all of this, other than the depressing fact that the United States presumably is hygienically advanced compared to many countries, yet we (and I mean the male half of our population) are gross?

Well, all I can say is, if you’re sitting in a sports stadium and the guy sitting next to you has just returned from the baby changing station with his little son or daughter, whatever you do, do not high-five him when the home team scores a key run or a touchdown. Because only 80% of guys with kids who were contacted for that phone survey said they always wash their hands after changing a diaper. And God only knows how much lower the real percentage is.